Great storytelling... it pulled me in and made me want more. A pleasure to read. I resonate with the part about being dumped with all the domestic duties in a relationship and relegated to work at a soul-crushing job just so the spouse could enjoy his career or whatever pursuit he wishes. I've been there.
When I read your vivid descriptions of your lust for men--strangers, I understood that I was never made to love men, but was conditioned to. It's freeing to know that.
It’s validating to hear other women’s similar experiences yet troubling isn’t it how prevalent it still is? I’m fascinated too about our conditioning and sexuality and how we are often going against our true desires to do what is expected. In my case to stay in a relationship that offered me nothing. In your case I’m glad at least you now know who you are, what you want, and don’t want. That is really really freeing.
Yes, Amy! You and I and many women I know have stayed in relationships that didn't serve us or even harmed us for way too long. Part of that is psychological instinct (bonding) and part of it is social conditioning and parental modeling. I'm glad that more and more women are realizing that it's unaccompanied to stay in such relationships and have the courage to leave.
dear wonderful neighbor...I so missed talking with you at this year's studio tour and have been wondering how you are. Your writing is so damn good...and really resonates with me (being in kind of the same situation w/r/t a longtime partnership and finally finding a *kind* man. I'd love to meet you on the beach for a swim this summer! (for now, i'm only doing quick in and outs!)
Hi Polly thank you so much and thanks for reading and restacking. I’d love to hang out this summer and def missed talking to people on the tour. Should be back next year.
Another great piece, Amy. Good on you for realizing early on that your relationship just was not fulfilling. It took me 27 years during my first marriage, to get to that place, although the first 15 weren’t really that bad. But the joy of the release, when you finally decide it’s time to exit the relationship, is something to be savored. Wonder what that Ob/gyn you mentioned would think if he read your story?
Oh and the ob/gyn. I forgot to respond on that. Omg like he must have women flirting with him all the time. Like how awkward and inappropriate was I and did he notice it or was it just mostly going on in my head? Like I think 99% of it was going on in my head so maybe my cover wasn’t blown. Idk.
Ya likely. I know it’s weird to say given the situation, but I honestly think he was as interested in me as i was in him, which made the whole situation and the clinical exam an unbelievably awkward and sad event.
Omg 27 years. That’s a testimony I think to how hard we try to work things out. I realize now how much society told me to stay even though there was nothing there for me. And I was there at least ten more years than I should have. I finally left when my daughter was 11 and I felt she could live without me half the time.
Of course, in my case there was a healthy dose of Catholic guilt that prevented any earlier consideration of divorce. Somewhat similar to your case, I was able to exit the relationship by taking my son with me while still providing support for my daughter living with my ex. So, the break up wasn’t that harmful to them.
It always makes me look around and wonder what percent of people are in relationships and situations that make them miserable—all because they’re supposed to.
Well, based on the general divorce statistics in the US; 50% of us make the wrong choice! Think about that for a minute! Your chances of finding your soulmate for live are no better than a coin toss!
Hi Amy, I really like your description of the burning car as a metaphor of your life at the time and felt the pent upness of your loneliness in your marriage. I know you can feel more alone in a dead or dying relationship than you can being alone, which is an entirely different state. Bravo for a well written and compelling memoir!
Thanks Bob. And yes, it's like in that previous essay I wrote about the date with Karl, being alone with someone is far more lonely than being alone. That hiking and dinner date would have been a fabulous solo day with myself that was ruined by the wrong company. Same in my previous relationship. A relationship where you are not seen or valued (anymore) is probably the loneliest place there is. Solo isn't alone, it's time with yourself. And I'm great company.
Your experience at the doctor’s office is so achingly sad. I’m glad that you were eventually able to get out of an unsatisfactory relationship and build a life that fulfills you.
Thanks Vicci. And I remember that day so vividly because my hyper-awareness of just how sad it was, really was a catalyst. I wonder if the Dr. hadn't been so appealing or if I hadn't gone at all if I wouldn't have taken even longer to get there. It's fascinating what events speak to us if we are listening.
Great storytelling... it pulled me in and made me want more. A pleasure to read. I resonate with the part about being dumped with all the domestic duties in a relationship and relegated to work at a soul-crushing job just so the spouse could enjoy his career or whatever pursuit he wishes. I've been there.
When I read your vivid descriptions of your lust for men--strangers, I understood that I was never made to love men, but was conditioned to. It's freeing to know that.
It’s validating to hear other women’s similar experiences yet troubling isn’t it how prevalent it still is? I’m fascinated too about our conditioning and sexuality and how we are often going against our true desires to do what is expected. In my case to stay in a relationship that offered me nothing. In your case I’m glad at least you now know who you are, what you want, and don’t want. That is really really freeing.
Yes, Amy! You and I and many women I know have stayed in relationships that didn't serve us or even harmed us for way too long. Part of that is psychological instinct (bonding) and part of it is social conditioning and parental modeling. I'm glad that more and more women are realizing that it's unaccompanied to stay in such relationships and have the courage to leave.
dear wonderful neighbor...I so missed talking with you at this year's studio tour and have been wondering how you are. Your writing is so damn good...and really resonates with me (being in kind of the same situation w/r/t a longtime partnership and finally finding a *kind* man. I'd love to meet you on the beach for a swim this summer! (for now, i'm only doing quick in and outs!)
Hi Polly thank you so much and thanks for reading and restacking. I’d love to hang out this summer and def missed talking to people on the tour. Should be back next year.
I love that you are sharing your story with the world, it's very empowering and inspiring!
Thank you Laura!
Another great piece, Amy. Good on you for realizing early on that your relationship just was not fulfilling. It took me 27 years during my first marriage, to get to that place, although the first 15 weren’t really that bad. But the joy of the release, when you finally decide it’s time to exit the relationship, is something to be savored. Wonder what that Ob/gyn you mentioned would think if he read your story?
Oh and the ob/gyn. I forgot to respond on that. Omg like he must have women flirting with him all the time. Like how awkward and inappropriate was I and did he notice it or was it just mostly going on in my head? Like I think 99% of it was going on in my head so maybe my cover wasn’t blown. Idk.
😂😂 And he was probably wondering why you were so “responsive”!
Ya likely. I know it’s weird to say given the situation, but I honestly think he was as interested in me as i was in him, which made the whole situation and the clinical exam an unbelievably awkward and sad event.
Omg 27 years. That’s a testimony I think to how hard we try to work things out. I realize now how much society told me to stay even though there was nothing there for me. And I was there at least ten more years than I should have. I finally left when my daughter was 11 and I felt she could live without me half the time.
Of course, in my case there was a healthy dose of Catholic guilt that prevented any earlier consideration of divorce. Somewhat similar to your case, I was able to exit the relationship by taking my son with me while still providing support for my daughter living with my ex. So, the break up wasn’t that harmful to them.
It always makes me look around and wonder what percent of people are in relationships and situations that make them miserable—all because they’re supposed to.
Well, based on the general divorce statistics in the US; 50% of us make the wrong choice! Think about that for a minute! Your chances of finding your soulmate for live are no better than a coin toss!
Hi Amy, I really like your description of the burning car as a metaphor of your life at the time and felt the pent upness of your loneliness in your marriage. I know you can feel more alone in a dead or dying relationship than you can being alone, which is an entirely different state. Bravo for a well written and compelling memoir!
Thanks Bob. And yes, it's like in that previous essay I wrote about the date with Karl, being alone with someone is far more lonely than being alone. That hiking and dinner date would have been a fabulous solo day with myself that was ruined by the wrong company. Same in my previous relationship. A relationship where you are not seen or valued (anymore) is probably the loneliest place there is. Solo isn't alone, it's time with yourself. And I'm great company.
Great post
Thanks, Captain Antarctica. Really, I just like typing out your name.
Haha that made me laugh. Thanks
Your experience at the doctor’s office is so achingly sad. I’m glad that you were eventually able to get out of an unsatisfactory relationship and build a life that fulfills you.
Thanks Vicci. And I remember that day so vividly because my hyper-awareness of just how sad it was, really was a catalyst. I wonder if the Dr. hadn't been so appealing or if I hadn't gone at all if I wouldn't have taken even longer to get there. It's fascinating what events speak to us if we are listening.