Amy, you have left me astonished, energized, vindicated, and somewhat sad that at age 70, I am finally cognizant of the lifetime of wasted, unappreciated energy I have put into men. One of the few upsides of my age is wisdom, and I wish that I had achieved it much earlier and not put so much thought and energy into less than optimum relationships. Us older women were raised on bullshit Disney and religious expectations and outcomes, which outwardly I was repulsed by but interiorily, gender earworms persisted. I am optimistic that things have changed a bit in favor of younger women and their options for independence and self-containment, while wildly apoplectic about us simultaneously losing legal bodily autonomy via the very worst of idiotic testicular and misogynist behavior. I hope more young women aspire to your spirit and grit.
I have spent the last several decades doing things on my own; a 5 week round-trip cross-country solo camping trip across America in my old Toyota manual transmission pickup (every woman should do this), solo wilderness camping (scarier now these days for multiple reasons), traveling solo to Amsterdam and around America to hear avant garde jazz and other types of world music only to find that almost no women ever seemed to show up, and careers in construction, project management, and similar male oriented, higher paying jobs where the men were not engaged in any type of self-assessment, cultural or artistic concepts, intellectual curiosity, just seemingly satisfied with being empty bro zombies.
Yours is one of the most uplifting, almost surreally satisfying and thoughtfully constructive pieces that I've had the pleasure to read in some time. It is also a stern reminder of how much I have let my physicality deteriorate, and that I need to take better care of me. Grateful for the reminder.
D. Thank you for reading and sharing your own experiences. I want to believe a younger generation of men and boys will be different. My daughter who is 16 expects much more than I was told to expect for sure.
And I’m also a solo woman traveler who backpacks and camps and treks and travels alone. People are aghast by it. Yes it can be dangerous, but a life without risk is a life not worth living. Hope to run into you somewhere along those adventures.
Amy, this is so funny and so sad and so true! 😱😂😳🙃. I just got back from an out of town college graduation. I don’t type well or fast on my iPad, but I promise to expand this comment tomorrow or Tuesday latest because even though I’m close to 30 years older than you, I think I’m more like James,perhaps an anomaly ahead of my time, but I’ll tell you how I got there and you can decide. You are so brutally and hilariously funny on the subject of men I think we only have two choices; melt and become little oil spots at your feet and then you can grind us further into the the ground like the fallen ash from a cigarette OR we can vow to do better and work on ourselves to provide something of added value to women-could take about another century though to get out of the culturally renewed patriarch role!☹️🤣.
Bob lol your response is perfectly amazing and yes sound like you are more like James. I’m really interested in more male perspective on this topic of men and who better to give it than men. Please do send more comments when you get to a more agile typer. And I love the sink like ash or get better. Either is really acceptable.
Your writing is always great, but as someone who married their high school sweetheart, it's particularly interesting for me to hear about your forays into dating. I've never been on any of the online apps or dated anyone other than my husband. And dates at 14-16 that I vaguely remember several decades later would almost certainly be a completely different beast now that I'm older and I tolerate less BS and I'm a mom and I have my own baggage and they would have theirs and etc etc. The men in my life that I know best are all partnered, and interesting and funny and pleasant to be around. But they're a cultivated, biased sample and finding them through the world of dating sounds like finding a needle in a haystack. I've worked with lots of men who I asked questions of and took time to get to know who never returned the favor. It was obviously galling (given that I remember it), but perhaps less so given that I wasn't dating them.
Your experience with "Karl" thinking he could do the hike while not bringing any supplies or being in good shape reminds me of that poll showing that 1 in 8 men believed they could score a point on Serena Williams. I do have more sympathy for him after reading his response about his job, though. I too have over-committed to events when I was emotionally bereft and suffered for it later.
Also: It is really interesting that you have dated men in their 40s virtually your whole life. I remember, as a teen, thinking that 40 was the peak sexiness of a man. You may have something there.
Ya I too have some sympathy for “Karl” as well. But to have spent 4 hrs with me and not mention he was concerned about his job when I literally kept asking how things were and how he was doing? It seemed like an after the fact response. Like oh was that not normal? Well I’ve been stressed at work.
And yes one of the things I find fascinating about dating in midlife is the wisdom you have about people and about yourself. Like I didn’t know as a teenager or even in my twenties what behaviors I should expect from men. Like I didn’t have a full set of boundaries to say this is ok and this is not. I now do and can articulate what Kinds of relationships I’m open to and what kinds I’m not.
It’s challenging to find interesting mature people but it’s also sometimes just fascinating. I’ve met really interesting men that I don’t want to date but that were a wild couple of hours to get to know. More stories in later installments.
You had me at "men in their 40's are a perfectly ripened avocado." SO true. I can see your disappointment in this person. It sounds like he froze, like a deer in a headlight, and that is not for you. I've been thinking a lot about 'de-centering' men, as they've had the spotlight far too long. In menopause, I am also realizing that I don't need men either. I only want to surround myself with quality people that add color to my life, and I can give brilliant colors in return.
Decentralizing men for the win!! I think you hit the nail on the head. This isn’t even really about dating. But so often men just disappoint. It’s about filling your life with people who have real passion. In every area. Dating and sex are an aspect but it’s really about curating relationships with people who bring you joy. I’m making myself the center and trying to surround myself with the same energy. Men or women. Platonic or romantic.
This was a very interesting read. Your experience was excruciating in a way I can fully understand. I've been on dates like this though I bailed after the first. I was divorced at 44 and went on the online dating apps... what a nightmare! I'm not going to list all my pet peeves, but lying and withholding important truths about the person really made me mad. Unfortunately I fell for one such guy due to his charm and ability to act (he had been a community theater director).... and this turned out to be a serious mistake.
Anyway, I'm out of that fiasco of a relationship now and have sworn never to date or enter a relationship with a man again. Well, it's become easy as I've realized that I'm actually queer and I absolutely won't choose men if I don't want to. I have plenty of other options that are far superior than men like "Karl", who seem to be very common in our toxic patriarchal society. In fact, since I was cheated on by the said ex, I was involved with a support group that allowed me to hear thousands of stories about cheating men. Not a pretty picture!
Lily, isn’t it sad that we don’t have amazing stories about our experiences with men? Like we hear about this male loneliness epidemic like it’s anyone’s faults but men. Like show up genuine and whole and don’t be a dick and you’d be surprised how many women would love to share your company. But since we’re no longer chattel, I’m sorry you must offer us better company than ourselves. Because that date I went on—if it had been a solo hike followed by dinner with just me, would have been an amazing day. Seriously gonna start charging when my time is wasted. And this is why women are like no, I choose me solo. I’m way better on my own.
Totally agree. Well, in my case I've wasted 25 years of my life on men, that I've declared I'm done with them. In fact, all the men I was with are men-children, stuck in their adolescence and unwilling to self reflect and grow up. What woman needs such a child? No thanks! My teddy bear grandpa neighbor who lives with his wife, adult daughter and grandsons, noticed my ex was gone one day and said, "You need a good man!" I said, "No, I don't need a man. I'm totally happy by myself." He wasn't convinced. 🙄
Ya the reason I left my long term relationship with my child’s father was this expectation I work full time, do the lions share of the housework and parenting and make as much money as him. All while being pleasant and supportive. When we split and went to 50/50 parenting he complained that all he did was work and do housework and parent. Weirdly, I suddenly had loads of free time to work on my own interests. Best decision of my life was leaving that situation. Never again will I look after a man.
Oh I 100% support life solo. In fact while I do date men, I do not ever want a man centered life. I will not live with a man. I will not build my life around a man. The fact that a man thinks you need a man is a clue to the problem. We do not need them and these days quite a lot of us, as you point out, do not even want them. Most have proven themselves life detractors rather than life enrichers. You’re 100% living your best life.
You're smart to decenter men and not live with them. I find that most are unwilling to contribute domestic labor, so women end up having an extra adult to spend extra time to care for. I have wasted enough time on doing that on top of being abused. Enough! I think collectively, more and more women are saying "enough!" But men (including incels) don't have a clue as to why.
Ha ha. I know tragedy plus time is comedy and I do now find it funny. I really feel bad for him too now that I have some space because good lord how did he get this old without social awareness or self-awareness? I almost think he doesn’t spend enough time reading and thinking about it and got left behind somewhere.
Amy, this is likely to be a series of comments because I have way too much to say. I should write a book about relationships, but maybe later.
General comments: I love women! I think they bring a kinder, more organized, empathetic and compassionate view to people and the world. I actually think we'd all be better off with more women Prime Ministers, Presidents and Cabinet Secretaries. Women find better ways of solving problems than starting wars (obvious to everyone except men) to expand territory, regain a lost empire, right old injustices (real or perceived) etc. Women are better at working on and negotiating solutions to human problems. They are generally more patient and less belligerent, although there are exceptions as there is with most everything. The women who scare me (not really) are the ones that learn to aggressive act like most men in work situations and then carry it into their private lives. I know the difference between aggressive and assertive and assertive is a good skill for anyone. It can be hard to separate the two.
Now on to specifics: I grew up in the late 50s and 60s when the role model for men/women relationships was very different, in hindsight very fake. Leave it to Beaver, everything is great, no issues, just smooth sailing. Men, of course were in charge of most everything except raising kids and domestic work. I had the good fortune to have kind and attentive parents who raised me and my two brothers. Unfortunately, I had no sister, so no realistic experience with how girls and women actually thought and worked and felt. My mom was overprotected by her family and my father. She was small, which definitely was a disadvantage in those time. I didn't get any real experience with girls until school and those relationships were typical of the times - girls didn't do sports, on PE, were cheerleaders, tried to be pretty and cute, wore makeup etc. I did find them interesting to talk to. My father was serious and my mother was fun and light hearted, and thankfully I got a lot of her in me.
Where things really got interesting for me was when I got out of the Army and began working in D. C. I'm grateful to this day for all the women friends I made there, mostly through work, but with other experiences too like hiking and skiiing etc. The teaser for tomorrow is how those women friends broadened my view of the world and what enjoyment a man can find with women as friends not just as sex partners.
Sorry there are a couple typos in the above. I wanted to mention, before I forget, my first more interesting observation of women was when I went to Holland for a summer as an American Field Service exchange student. The girls I met were attractive without much if any makeup, seemed to converse more as equals with Dutch boys, and (I couldn't believe it) played sports like soccer, tennis and rode their bikes everywhere just like adults. Holland is a very flat country and everyone bikes, rain or shine. It gave me things to think about. I found Dutch girls more natural and easy to talk to and had a wider range of interests than most of the American girls I knew.
Bob I’m just going to say keep sharing your experiences here. I love your comments. They show a real curiosity and growth over time. We need more men who show up, ask questions, listen, and learn. And yes we need more women in leadership I’d say we need to flip leadership and have all women. Maybe a few men like Pete Buttigieg. We’d be so much better off as a society.
Yes it’s amazing how much you can learn from plastic relationships with the opposite sex. They’re critical to a well-balanced life. Yet so many men have zero female friends because they lack the skills to negotiate true companionship with women.
Amy, I absolutely loved this. I spent 10 years on dating sites starting in my late 40's. There were two instances in which I dated just one person for at least a year. Most of the men were primarily only interested in sex. When I moved to Lexington, I think I went out with 3 different men before I just gave up. All three were only interested in talking about themselves and/or showing me what nice homes they had as if that was all they needed to win the girl. I hope to read more about your dating escapades--they are funny and interesting and unfortunately, very relatable.
Kimi, the fact that these experiences are likely widespread is the really sad reality. While I’d love to not believe James is an anomaly, I think it’s likely so. And even he has benefitted from me constantly steering him to work on himself. However I’ll keep ticking on with my social experiment. Until our society raises boys to be better humans, I’m not sure the results will be a lot different.
I think it is going to be a very long time if ever that the majority of society raises a different kind of boy. It's interesting with my son--and he is a different kind of man--and I do think it is mostly due to me and the timing of leaving my husband. There was a small core group of guys (my son included) who went to high school together in Dallas. They are all not married, do not think they want children and are the sweetest, most open, kind and intelligent men I know. Just a tiny pod of them. So, it is possible to find them. These guys are all 37.
Oh I remember meeting your son. He was actually incredibly interesting. I did have a short conversation with him at graduation and really enjoyed his company. You did a good job on that one.
I just turned fifty and have been dating for a decade since my divorce. Just broke it off with a 54-year old who drank too much, fell asleep every night at 9 on the couch, snored, and complained about everything. We were long distance so it took me awhile it figure it out, plus he was extremely cute and fit. Not surprisingly, I never missed him once it was over. Hooray! Free again. I refuse to think my dating pool is these silver sneakers. Those silent car rides, the lack of curiosity, the “I’m too old for this” lackluster - I just cannot. My son is twenty and we have the best conversations about music, film, travel, whatever, and he’s never uptight and doesn’t sweat the small stuff. So maybe there’s hope, but for me, now, I’m just happy to not have to report to any grouch and spend my time making meet and travel plans, something I didn’t get to do in my married with children life.
God, I wish that every date came with your brutally honest (and well deserved) assessment.
Leave the house, meet your date and when you get home there it is, a record of how your date perceived you and how they experienced their time with you. Both parties.
All that was missing was a rating on a scale of 1-10, you know, just like men have been doing for millennia without ever exchanging a single word.
You’re doing God’s work!
And BTW, I may have transitioned but there was no way I was giving up intelligent conversations with interesting and beautiful people.
Thanks Shayne and I honest to god, I’m considering creating a questionnaire with a QR code so men can scan just after a goodnight kiss and give me feedback on our time together and I could then supply a link to my feedback the next day via text. Whether the relationship moves forward or not, we’d both have info about how we’re being perceived.
I’ve heard of coaching services but I’m sure if I was a coach I’d spend more time sad and frustrated than feeling like I’d made the world a better place. As I said, God’s work!
I’ve been single off and on for multiple stretches of time, this last stretch almost 7 years after the death of my husband (short marriage). I am NOT even bothering with men anymore. At 58, I agree with D Kitterman about wasting so much time and energy on unworthy men. I’m investing in myself and raising my 13 yo older and seeing the world. No idea how long I’ll have but I’ll be gdamned if I’ll let a mediocre man take up my precious energy and use up my time anymore.
This was a fabulous article and I hope “Karl” actually was able to hear and use that excellent feedback you gave him. I am feeling so inspired by your strong boundaries! Brava! Brava!
Lisa, love this line, I won’t let a mediocre man take up my precious energy and use up my time anymore.” Exactly! I’m great company and if a man isn’t better than me alone, he won’t have my time.
I so agree and appreciate what you’ve written. We women have been working ourselves for many years and these guys just crawl out of bed and show up. Somewhere along the way, I realized that low self esteem in a person was a trait that was likely dangerous to me - and this failure to grow and thrive and be curious and always learning - is exactly the red glad I’ve pegged it as.
When they say we’re “out of their league” or “too good for them”, we really should believe them.
Amy, yes it is fascinating how we change over time in relationships as we do everything else. The way I see it life has plenty of lessons and it's up to us to decide whether we want to take the time to learn them. Some do, some don't and some pick and choose. What I've found is that even when I think I've fully learned a lesson, I often haven't, so it the challenge comes back to me in a more subtle way until I get it clear. I'm glad you had a date that got off to a good start and seems to have potential. So are you up for comments/discussion on differences in male/female sexuality, or too cringey a topic? My take is that it is one of the areas, like money, that can lead to misundertandings in relationships. If you'd rather do money, we could also go there or both?
Oh I never shy from any topic. I freely discuss money and sex regularly. I’m comfortable in all topics and am pretty sure people who aren’t haven’t put enough time into managing themselves and figuring out why they fear these conversations.
When I moved to DC I was fresh out of the Army and Vietnam and had just gotten married. It was love and lust as one can only experience in their 20s, and maybe early 30s I think. The third year into my marriage my wife took a new job and began an affair with a colleague. When I found out by accident (there are no accidents) I was devastated. We separated and I gave it 6 months when I decided to get a divorce when the affair continued. It took me about a year to start getting back to some sense of normal. In the meantime, I had work and men and women colleagues, who were mostly single and I liked. After work we would sometimes go for a drink and got to know each other better. A few became close enough that we would go on hikes, concerts etc. and I dated a couple of the women at different times. That didn't seem to work out very well. I know times are different now, but mixing sex with friendship I learned was tricky business because there was another whole set of emotions and expectations to deal with. This was a very valuable experience for me because these women were educated and had good jobs and we treated each other as equals. Also no one was quite sure what they wanted next. We were all on career paths and marriage or live in relationships weren't a high priority. What I learned during this time was a lot about myself. Like most guys, I grew up in a semi-macho culture - played hockey, ran track etc. - male camaraderie. But because this was during the time of recovery from my divorce what I appreciated about my female friends was the mutual listening, their compassion, their vulnerability when they opened up. It gave me the space and environment to begin examining and developing the female side of myself. I think many of the guys of my time didn't have or make the opportunity to do that - to better become a whole person.
Next up, if anyone is interested, I'd like to share some thoughts I have on the differences between male and female sexuality based on my observations, and how it can complicate male-female relationships. I'd like to hear other viewpoints. Wow, I had no idea where this might leading.
Hi Bob. Love all this growth through relationships. I went out with the new date last night and he was really nice and smart and seemed like theres potential. We actually talked a lot about how dating has many different options now and how that lets you explore and grow. Like the time you had after your divorce.
We also talked about how people fall in love in their twenty’s in ways that doesn’t happen later in life because you gain maturity and wisdom and so relationships become more cerebral and less strictly heart and loin.
It’s fascinating isn’t it? The ways we change as we age.
Yep it’s def a killer. But correct, you can’t say you’re outdoorsy and in shape then literally be unable to walk it with zero weight on you. I had thought worst case, I’d enjoy a great hike. But no, I got to walk in the park with grandpa and waste my Saturday.
Wow. Cringe. You hit the nail on the head with the “teenage” part. I still remember my own teenage cringe, even though it was five and a half decades ago.
Sometimes I think I’ve spent my life slowly pulling my head out of my ass (among other things; the good thing about being a polymath is that I can lead a somewhat interesting life at the same time). I’ve been married (twice) since my twenties, so I’ve had zero recent experience dating. That has been an advantage in friendships with women, since a whole set of expectations aren’t there. So I really have nothing pertinent to write about your experience except that I felt vicarious embarrassment. I’ve literally taught old dogs new tricks, so maybe there’s hope for him, but your escape was textbook.
Thanks Curtis for your response and thanks for reading. I had to look up what a polymath was and then thought oh can you be a polymath if you don’t know the word polymath? But now I know it.
OK, next up as promised, my dive into perceived (mine only) differences between male and female sexuality. I would very much like feedback on this one to see if there is some validity or I'm just off the wall.
1. I think males sexual necessity or purpose is to spread their seed. (Elon Musk be the Poster Boy - ugh). For me since puberty I have always had a strong sexual urge, that seems to periodically need release, whether with a partner (preferred) of by myself. (A girl friend of mine once said "All men are dogs," which I found a little crass, but also cracked me up. The cultural repercussion is that we aren't naturally monogamous. I think that is where the church and other institutions come in to train us to be monogamous for the sake of societal stability, the family etc., but that model is obviously changing. I think younger men are more in tune with women as friends. That is what I liked about my DC experience. I had several women friends with whom I was quite close, but not sexually intimate. I appreciated each one of their different life experiences and perspectives. I learned a lot about women that I didn't have the opportunity to at home or in high school.
2. Women, on the other hand are seemingly by nature more nurturing and enjoy intimacy, cuddling etc even without sex. Again, some of this is cultural, but women are the ones who actually carrying the babes, giving birth, and tending after them. In many cultures the whole village helps raise the kids, which makes more sense to me than just nuclear parents, who have to work to bring in money and food etc. But one of the things I've noticed in my conversations with women over time is that they often find men "exciting, interesting, fun," in the beginning and then they become dull and don't want to be very affectionate. I think there is truth in that because often a man's priority is sex and we tend to get lazy after we've had it, wher as a woman's is friendship and intimacy. The affection and talking are things that most men need to work on, and eventually they either get it or they don't. I remember my summer in Holland watching girls and women walk down the street hand in hand or arm in arm and laughing and conversing. I thought that was very cool. I could feel their intimacy, and wondered by they don't do that in the US.
Conclusion (or beginning): The different sexual styles of men and women tend to make for potential problems right off the bat. Men want sex and women want intimacy - big generalization and of course there are variations on those two themes. I think men have to get to know women as people rather sexual fantasies. I was in a group once where the therapist said it was really better to get to know a person as friend before you have sex and I definitely agree with that, but it can be difficult, especially for sexually charged young men. I think as men mellow a bit with age it can be easier for them to be friends, assuming they like women. I find the turmoil between many men and women right now sad, because underneath it all we are all humans who want to belong and be loved and if that weren't the case probably one sex would do just fine. And I do agree, it seems that many women are better at introspection and working on themselves than are men, but again, it's not fair to generalize.
Hi Bob, I think your observations are likely on pointe for the timeframe you grew up in and in which you dated. But I do think many of those observations and conclusions stem from society mandated norms for men and women.
Male sexual desire has been mostly unchecked forever and encouraged. What I mean by that is that men are expected to have a high sex drive, expected to act on it, and rewarded with social status for garnering a high body count as proof of their value. The exact opposite is true of women. A woman who freely acts on her sexual desire is still considered a whore and her body count is something men find repulsive.
My argument here is that I think you’d be surprised by the actual sex drive women have from adolescence on which they often don’t act on lest society historically has punished them for. Yet, there’s a whole generation or two of women who do not care and engage in frequents hookups for their own pleasure.
What I think is also important to consider is that the whole lens through which sex is approached is through that of a man and a man’s pleasure. Women in lesbian relationships are statistically far more satisfied than straight women. And sexual expectation in general centers on male pleasure and male ego. Just watch any porn.
I also don’t actually believe that women are naturally more nurturing. Again, we do what society tells us to and are often fulfilling a role which was prescribed to us at birth. Flip the roles at birth and I think you’d see similar levels of compliance and defiance among men with caregiving.
Boys are expected to be rough and rowdy and unruly. But is that their natural state or is it just that they aren’t expected to manage themselves and everyone around them with care? I just read a whole article on how girls and women spend our lives expected to make the world comfortable for boys and men. From girls smiling, to being expected to care for siblings, being gentle, being pretty. To the grown up version where we’re expected to meet the needs by planning and managing the whole family and household and every holiday and event (we don’t actually want to do this). Why are we good at it? Because it’s expected and we’ve been practicing our whole lives.
We meet the needs of men by not stating our own needs, by making sure men are fed and comfortable, and cared for and their egos are in tact while our own needs go completely unmet. Just look at how compliant I was on the date. Excepting this man’s advances, allowing him to show up unprepared and barely contributing while I continuously pivoted to accommodate his failures. I was taught to behave that way and he was taught to expect it.
The turmoil right now between men and women isn’t turmoil. It’s women saying we will pursue our sexual, emotional, physical, and financial needs as we see fit because men aren’t our equals. They haven’t worked as hard on themselves as we have. They aren’t nearly as capable as we are to live a fulfilling life with or without coupling up. And the data shows that when women marry and have children we are less happy while men are more happy.
Women are rejecting these expectations. Many women are allow men into our lives in fractional measures but we won’t allow them to become our burdens. That’s why men are lonely while women are thriving solo.
Well, just when I was wondering if you had given up on writing, it turns out you were suffering through a disappointing (to say the least) third date with a moron who was obviously more taken by your bikini picture than everything else about you. As a Septuagenarian like Bob, I’d like to think I could measure up to your interests, but that would be somewhat delusional. By the time I reached the well ripened avocado stage you described, I had earned a Black Belt in Karate, ran more 10k races than I can remember, and ended a 27 year failed marriage, while not abandoning those financial responsibilities.
Shortly thereafter, I was fortunate to meet a terrific woman and proposed to her, after dating for two years, on the eve of her double mastectomy. She was in remission for almost 7 years, during which time, she taught me how to play golf! Caring for her in her later years taught me everything I had forgotten about how to really pay attention to someone in your life. So, Amy I wish you well in your search for a soulmate. And, if you can’t find a 40-something who can keep up with you, try a widower! We know a thing or two about relationships.
Hi Dennis. I definitely didn’t give up on writing. In fact I’m working on a an essays my agent is trying to get in a large publication. Fingers crossed. So between late nights revising that, a full time job, and my 16 year old kid, as well as a full social life and maintaining my house, I’m just busy. But always working away and developing new pieces.
And I’m sure you and Bob back in your ripe avocado stage would have been fabulous dates. There is a tiny slice of men that carry on being amazing right up to the end. Harrison ford was perfection at 40 but I wouldn’t kick him out of bed for eating crackers even at 80. Tom Selleck, same.
And it sounds like your wife was a wonderful woman who gifted you with awareness.
Thanks for sharing more about your life. I love getting to know my readers.
Thank you, Amy. I didn’t really think you bailed on writing…..you’re just too good at it. And this last piece was terrific! Had to chuckle about your Harrison Ford and Tom Selleck comments. Linda used to warn me, even after her diagnosis….if I wasn’t careful, she’d leave me for either one of them, and of course, the golfer, Freddie Couples. Always kept me on my toes! 😂😂
Amy, you have left me astonished, energized, vindicated, and somewhat sad that at age 70, I am finally cognizant of the lifetime of wasted, unappreciated energy I have put into men. One of the few upsides of my age is wisdom, and I wish that I had achieved it much earlier and not put so much thought and energy into less than optimum relationships. Us older women were raised on bullshit Disney and religious expectations and outcomes, which outwardly I was repulsed by but interiorily, gender earworms persisted. I am optimistic that things have changed a bit in favor of younger women and their options for independence and self-containment, while wildly apoplectic about us simultaneously losing legal bodily autonomy via the very worst of idiotic testicular and misogynist behavior. I hope more young women aspire to your spirit and grit.
I have spent the last several decades doing things on my own; a 5 week round-trip cross-country solo camping trip across America in my old Toyota manual transmission pickup (every woman should do this), solo wilderness camping (scarier now these days for multiple reasons), traveling solo to Amsterdam and around America to hear avant garde jazz and other types of world music only to find that almost no women ever seemed to show up, and careers in construction, project management, and similar male oriented, higher paying jobs where the men were not engaged in any type of self-assessment, cultural or artistic concepts, intellectual curiosity, just seemingly satisfied with being empty bro zombies.
Yours is one of the most uplifting, almost surreally satisfying and thoughtfully constructive pieces that I've had the pleasure to read in some time. It is also a stern reminder of how much I have let my physicality deteriorate, and that I need to take better care of me. Grateful for the reminder.
All the best to you, young woman!
D. Thank you for reading and sharing your own experiences. I want to believe a younger generation of men and boys will be different. My daughter who is 16 expects much more than I was told to expect for sure.
And I’m also a solo woman traveler who backpacks and camps and treks and travels alone. People are aghast by it. Yes it can be dangerous, but a life without risk is a life not worth living. Hope to run into you somewhere along those adventures.
Amy, this is so funny and so sad and so true! 😱😂😳🙃. I just got back from an out of town college graduation. I don’t type well or fast on my iPad, but I promise to expand this comment tomorrow or Tuesday latest because even though I’m close to 30 years older than you, I think I’m more like James,perhaps an anomaly ahead of my time, but I’ll tell you how I got there and you can decide. You are so brutally and hilariously funny on the subject of men I think we only have two choices; melt and become little oil spots at your feet and then you can grind us further into the the ground like the fallen ash from a cigarette OR we can vow to do better and work on ourselves to provide something of added value to women-could take about another century though to get out of the culturally renewed patriarch role!☹️🤣.
Bob lol your response is perfectly amazing and yes sound like you are more like James. I’m really interested in more male perspective on this topic of men and who better to give it than men. Please do send more comments when you get to a more agile typer. And I love the sink like ash or get better. Either is really acceptable.
Back at you, absolutely!
Your writing is always great, but as someone who married their high school sweetheart, it's particularly interesting for me to hear about your forays into dating. I've never been on any of the online apps or dated anyone other than my husband. And dates at 14-16 that I vaguely remember several decades later would almost certainly be a completely different beast now that I'm older and I tolerate less BS and I'm a mom and I have my own baggage and they would have theirs and etc etc. The men in my life that I know best are all partnered, and interesting and funny and pleasant to be around. But they're a cultivated, biased sample and finding them through the world of dating sounds like finding a needle in a haystack. I've worked with lots of men who I asked questions of and took time to get to know who never returned the favor. It was obviously galling (given that I remember it), but perhaps less so given that I wasn't dating them.
Your experience with "Karl" thinking he could do the hike while not bringing any supplies or being in good shape reminds me of that poll showing that 1 in 8 men believed they could score a point on Serena Williams. I do have more sympathy for him after reading his response about his job, though. I too have over-committed to events when I was emotionally bereft and suffered for it later.
Also: It is really interesting that you have dated men in their 40s virtually your whole life. I remember, as a teen, thinking that 40 was the peak sexiness of a man. You may have something there.
Ya I too have some sympathy for “Karl” as well. But to have spent 4 hrs with me and not mention he was concerned about his job when I literally kept asking how things were and how he was doing? It seemed like an after the fact response. Like oh was that not normal? Well I’ve been stressed at work.
And yes one of the things I find fascinating about dating in midlife is the wisdom you have about people and about yourself. Like I didn’t know as a teenager or even in my twenties what behaviors I should expect from men. Like I didn’t have a full set of boundaries to say this is ok and this is not. I now do and can articulate what Kinds of relationships I’m open to and what kinds I’m not.
It’s challenging to find interesting mature people but it’s also sometimes just fascinating. I’ve met really interesting men that I don’t want to date but that were a wild couple of hours to get to know. More stories in later installments.
Looking forward to the next installments!
You had me at "men in their 40's are a perfectly ripened avocado." SO true. I can see your disappointment in this person. It sounds like he froze, like a deer in a headlight, and that is not for you. I've been thinking a lot about 'de-centering' men, as they've had the spotlight far too long. In menopause, I am also realizing that I don't need men either. I only want to surround myself with quality people that add color to my life, and I can give brilliant colors in return.
Decentralizing men for the win!! I think you hit the nail on the head. This isn’t even really about dating. But so often men just disappoint. It’s about filling your life with people who have real passion. In every area. Dating and sex are an aspect but it’s really about curating relationships with people who bring you joy. I’m making myself the center and trying to surround myself with the same energy. Men or women. Platonic or romantic.
This was a very interesting read. Your experience was excruciating in a way I can fully understand. I've been on dates like this though I bailed after the first. I was divorced at 44 and went on the online dating apps... what a nightmare! I'm not going to list all my pet peeves, but lying and withholding important truths about the person really made me mad. Unfortunately I fell for one such guy due to his charm and ability to act (he had been a community theater director).... and this turned out to be a serious mistake.
Anyway, I'm out of that fiasco of a relationship now and have sworn never to date or enter a relationship with a man again. Well, it's become easy as I've realized that I'm actually queer and I absolutely won't choose men if I don't want to. I have plenty of other options that are far superior than men like "Karl", who seem to be very common in our toxic patriarchal society. In fact, since I was cheated on by the said ex, I was involved with a support group that allowed me to hear thousands of stories about cheating men. Not a pretty picture!
Lily, isn’t it sad that we don’t have amazing stories about our experiences with men? Like we hear about this male loneliness epidemic like it’s anyone’s faults but men. Like show up genuine and whole and don’t be a dick and you’d be surprised how many women would love to share your company. But since we’re no longer chattel, I’m sorry you must offer us better company than ourselves. Because that date I went on—if it had been a solo hike followed by dinner with just me, would have been an amazing day. Seriously gonna start charging when my time is wasted. And this is why women are like no, I choose me solo. I’m way better on my own.
Totally agree. Well, in my case I've wasted 25 years of my life on men, that I've declared I'm done with them. In fact, all the men I was with are men-children, stuck in their adolescence and unwilling to self reflect and grow up. What woman needs such a child? No thanks! My teddy bear grandpa neighbor who lives with his wife, adult daughter and grandsons, noticed my ex was gone one day and said, "You need a good man!" I said, "No, I don't need a man. I'm totally happy by myself." He wasn't convinced. 🙄
Ya the reason I left my long term relationship with my child’s father was this expectation I work full time, do the lions share of the housework and parenting and make as much money as him. All while being pleasant and supportive. When we split and went to 50/50 parenting he complained that all he did was work and do housework and parent. Weirdly, I suddenly had loads of free time to work on my own interests. Best decision of my life was leaving that situation. Never again will I look after a man.
Best decision ever 🙌👏👏👏
Oh I 100% support life solo. In fact while I do date men, I do not ever want a man centered life. I will not live with a man. I will not build my life around a man. The fact that a man thinks you need a man is a clue to the problem. We do not need them and these days quite a lot of us, as you point out, do not even want them. Most have proven themselves life detractors rather than life enrichers. You’re 100% living your best life.
You're smart to decenter men and not live with them. I find that most are unwilling to contribute domestic labor, so women end up having an extra adult to spend extra time to care for. I have wasted enough time on doing that on top of being abused. Enough! I think collectively, more and more women are saying "enough!" But men (including incels) don't have a clue as to why.
You are making me cry, but I’m still busting my gut over Karl!
Ha ha. I know tragedy plus time is comedy and I do now find it funny. I really feel bad for him too now that I have some space because good lord how did he get this old without social awareness or self-awareness? I almost think he doesn’t spend enough time reading and thinking about it and got left behind somewhere.
Amy, this is likely to be a series of comments because I have way too much to say. I should write a book about relationships, but maybe later.
General comments: I love women! I think they bring a kinder, more organized, empathetic and compassionate view to people and the world. I actually think we'd all be better off with more women Prime Ministers, Presidents and Cabinet Secretaries. Women find better ways of solving problems than starting wars (obvious to everyone except men) to expand territory, regain a lost empire, right old injustices (real or perceived) etc. Women are better at working on and negotiating solutions to human problems. They are generally more patient and less belligerent, although there are exceptions as there is with most everything. The women who scare me (not really) are the ones that learn to aggressive act like most men in work situations and then carry it into their private lives. I know the difference between aggressive and assertive and assertive is a good skill for anyone. It can be hard to separate the two.
Now on to specifics: I grew up in the late 50s and 60s when the role model for men/women relationships was very different, in hindsight very fake. Leave it to Beaver, everything is great, no issues, just smooth sailing. Men, of course were in charge of most everything except raising kids and domestic work. I had the good fortune to have kind and attentive parents who raised me and my two brothers. Unfortunately, I had no sister, so no realistic experience with how girls and women actually thought and worked and felt. My mom was overprotected by her family and my father. She was small, which definitely was a disadvantage in those time. I didn't get any real experience with girls until school and those relationships were typical of the times - girls didn't do sports, on PE, were cheerleaders, tried to be pretty and cute, wore makeup etc. I did find them interesting to talk to. My father was serious and my mother was fun and light hearted, and thankfully I got a lot of her in me.
Where things really got interesting for me was when I got out of the Army and began working in D. C. I'm grateful to this day for all the women friends I made there, mostly through work, but with other experiences too like hiking and skiiing etc. The teaser for tomorrow is how those women friends broadened my view of the world and what enjoyment a man can find with women as friends not just as sex partners.
Sorry there are a couple typos in the above. I wanted to mention, before I forget, my first more interesting observation of women was when I went to Holland for a summer as an American Field Service exchange student. The girls I met were attractive without much if any makeup, seemed to converse more as equals with Dutch boys, and (I couldn't believe it) played sports like soccer, tennis and rode their bikes everywhere just like adults. Holland is a very flat country and everyone bikes, rain or shine. It gave me things to think about. I found Dutch girls more natural and easy to talk to and had a wider range of interests than most of the American girls I knew.
Bob I’m just going to say keep sharing your experiences here. I love your comments. They show a real curiosity and growth over time. We need more men who show up, ask questions, listen, and learn. And yes we need more women in leadership I’d say we need to flip leadership and have all women. Maybe a few men like Pete Buttigieg. We’d be so much better off as a society.
Yes it’s amazing how much you can learn from plastic relationships with the opposite sex. They’re critical to a well-balanced life. Yet so many men have zero female friends because they lack the skills to negotiate true companionship with women.
Sadly, I think quite a few guys do-they take way too much for granted and that is part of the culture problem
It seems so for sure.
Amy, I absolutely loved this. I spent 10 years on dating sites starting in my late 40's. There were two instances in which I dated just one person for at least a year. Most of the men were primarily only interested in sex. When I moved to Lexington, I think I went out with 3 different men before I just gave up. All three were only interested in talking about themselves and/or showing me what nice homes they had as if that was all they needed to win the girl. I hope to read more about your dating escapades--they are funny and interesting and unfortunately, very relatable.
Kimi, the fact that these experiences are likely widespread is the really sad reality. While I’d love to not believe James is an anomaly, I think it’s likely so. And even he has benefitted from me constantly steering him to work on himself. However I’ll keep ticking on with my social experiment. Until our society raises boys to be better humans, I’m not sure the results will be a lot different.
I think it is going to be a very long time if ever that the majority of society raises a different kind of boy. It's interesting with my son--and he is a different kind of man--and I do think it is mostly due to me and the timing of leaving my husband. There was a small core group of guys (my son included) who went to high school together in Dallas. They are all not married, do not think they want children and are the sweetest, most open, kind and intelligent men I know. Just a tiny pod of them. So, it is possible to find them. These guys are all 37.
Oh I remember meeting your son. He was actually incredibly interesting. I did have a short conversation with him at graduation and really enjoyed his company. You did a good job on that one.
I just turned fifty and have been dating for a decade since my divorce. Just broke it off with a 54-year old who drank too much, fell asleep every night at 9 on the couch, snored, and complained about everything. We were long distance so it took me awhile it figure it out, plus he was extremely cute and fit. Not surprisingly, I never missed him once it was over. Hooray! Free again. I refuse to think my dating pool is these silver sneakers. Those silent car rides, the lack of curiosity, the “I’m too old for this” lackluster - I just cannot. My son is twenty and we have the best conversations about music, film, travel, whatever, and he’s never uptight and doesn’t sweat the small stuff. So maybe there’s hope, but for me, now, I’m just happy to not have to report to any grouch and spend my time making meet and travel plans, something I didn’t get to do in my married with children life.
I’m going to flat out suggest dating the younger generation if you date at all of millennials who seem to have gotten better training.
Abso-fucking-lutely my experience. I'm 64 and prefer men in their 40s. Or just spend time with my wonderful women friends
Oh Debo, you’re an inspiration. Glad to hear I’m not alone in both my experience and my preferences.
You are an absolute inspiration in the way you described it.
Thank you.
I laughed while reading your posi after running across your page on Substack.
I will refer you to a post of mine: Men are Scum 1/15/25
Men are Scum
My wife attended a secretarial school after HS in 1963 and started working at a law firm, where she quickly learned how things really are.
For many months after we married in 1988
I overheard many comments about "men."
So I wrote this song in 1993
I got a woman with an attitude
She says men are crass and crude
Nasty heartless dirty and dumb
In a nutshell, men are scum.
Men are scum she says
Men are scum
After all is said and done
Yes, yes, men are scum.
Honey, you know that can’t be true
Just think of all the classy things I do
Then I wipe my hands all over my clothes
Kick the dog and pick my nose.
Men foul the air start the wars
Starve the needy and fund the whores
Call you names then call you honey
Break your heart and spend your money.
Yes, it's true, a fact is a fact
Listen to 'em talk watch how they act
And what is worse, they think it's fun
Come on now, men are just scum.
Well, if that’s the way you feel about men
Why take me back again and again
Babe, I love you, and that’s no lie
But Lord help me. I don’t know why.
Men are scum she says
Men are scum
After all is said and done
Yes, yes, men are scum
Malcolm McKinney 1993
Ha Ha Malcome. Do you perform this out at clubs? I imagine it would get quite a few laughs.
I did and it did.
My Substack features original songs, poems and rants.
I will check it out
God, I wish that every date came with your brutally honest (and well deserved) assessment.
Leave the house, meet your date and when you get home there it is, a record of how your date perceived you and how they experienced their time with you. Both parties.
All that was missing was a rating on a scale of 1-10, you know, just like men have been doing for millennia without ever exchanging a single word.
You’re doing God’s work!
And BTW, I may have transitioned but there was no way I was giving up intelligent conversations with interesting and beautiful people.
Thanks Shayne and I honest to god, I’m considering creating a questionnaire with a QR code so men can scan just after a goodnight kiss and give me feedback on our time together and I could then supply a link to my feedback the next day via text. Whether the relationship moves forward or not, we’d both have info about how we’re being perceived.
I’ve heard of coaching services but I’m sure if I was a coach I’d spend more time sad and frustrated than feeling like I’d made the world a better place. As I said, God’s work!
I’ve been single off and on for multiple stretches of time, this last stretch almost 7 years after the death of my husband (short marriage). I am NOT even bothering with men anymore. At 58, I agree with D Kitterman about wasting so much time and energy on unworthy men. I’m investing in myself and raising my 13 yo older and seeing the world. No idea how long I’ll have but I’ll be gdamned if I’ll let a mediocre man take up my precious energy and use up my time anymore.
This was a fabulous article and I hope “Karl” actually was able to hear and use that excellent feedback you gave him. I am feeling so inspired by your strong boundaries! Brava! Brava!
Lisa, love this line, I won’t let a mediocre man take up my precious energy and use up my time anymore.” Exactly! I’m great company and if a man isn’t better than me alone, he won’t have my time.
I so agree and appreciate what you’ve written. We women have been working ourselves for many years and these guys just crawl out of bed and show up. Somewhere along the way, I realized that low self esteem in a person was a trait that was likely dangerous to me - and this failure to grow and thrive and be curious and always learning - is exactly the red glad I’ve pegged it as.
When they say we’re “out of their league” or “too good for them”, we really should believe them.
Totally. 100% agree with this.
Flag not glad
Amy, yes it is fascinating how we change over time in relationships as we do everything else. The way I see it life has plenty of lessons and it's up to us to decide whether we want to take the time to learn them. Some do, some don't and some pick and choose. What I've found is that even when I think I've fully learned a lesson, I often haven't, so it the challenge comes back to me in a more subtle way until I get it clear. I'm glad you had a date that got off to a good start and seems to have potential. So are you up for comments/discussion on differences in male/female sexuality, or too cringey a topic? My take is that it is one of the areas, like money, that can lead to misundertandings in relationships. If you'd rather do money, we could also go there or both?
Oh I never shy from any topic. I freely discuss money and sex regularly. I’m comfortable in all topics and am pretty sure people who aren’t haven’t put enough time into managing themselves and figuring out why they fear these conversations.
When I moved to DC I was fresh out of the Army and Vietnam and had just gotten married. It was love and lust as one can only experience in their 20s, and maybe early 30s I think. The third year into my marriage my wife took a new job and began an affair with a colleague. When I found out by accident (there are no accidents) I was devastated. We separated and I gave it 6 months when I decided to get a divorce when the affair continued. It took me about a year to start getting back to some sense of normal. In the meantime, I had work and men and women colleagues, who were mostly single and I liked. After work we would sometimes go for a drink and got to know each other better. A few became close enough that we would go on hikes, concerts etc. and I dated a couple of the women at different times. That didn't seem to work out very well. I know times are different now, but mixing sex with friendship I learned was tricky business because there was another whole set of emotions and expectations to deal with. This was a very valuable experience for me because these women were educated and had good jobs and we treated each other as equals. Also no one was quite sure what they wanted next. We were all on career paths and marriage or live in relationships weren't a high priority. What I learned during this time was a lot about myself. Like most guys, I grew up in a semi-macho culture - played hockey, ran track etc. - male camaraderie. But because this was during the time of recovery from my divorce what I appreciated about my female friends was the mutual listening, their compassion, their vulnerability when they opened up. It gave me the space and environment to begin examining and developing the female side of myself. I think many of the guys of my time didn't have or make the opportunity to do that - to better become a whole person.
Next up, if anyone is interested, I'd like to share some thoughts I have on the differences between male and female sexuality based on my observations, and how it can complicate male-female relationships. I'd like to hear other viewpoints. Wow, I had no idea where this might leading.
Hi Bob. Love all this growth through relationships. I went out with the new date last night and he was really nice and smart and seemed like theres potential. We actually talked a lot about how dating has many different options now and how that lets you explore and grow. Like the time you had after your divorce.
We also talked about how people fall in love in their twenty’s in ways that doesn’t happen later in life because you gain maturity and wisdom and so relationships become more cerebral and less strictly heart and loin.
It’s fascinating isn’t it? The ways we change as we age.
That trail is a killer in the first half mile. Worth it. But it if you say you're in shape and aren't...you can't fake that hill.
Yep it’s def a killer. But correct, you can’t say you’re outdoorsy and in shape then literally be unable to walk it with zero weight on you. I had thought worst case, I’d enjoy a great hike. But no, I got to walk in the park with grandpa and waste my Saturday.
👏👏👏
Wow. Cringe. You hit the nail on the head with the “teenage” part. I still remember my own teenage cringe, even though it was five and a half decades ago.
Sometimes I think I’ve spent my life slowly pulling my head out of my ass (among other things; the good thing about being a polymath is that I can lead a somewhat interesting life at the same time). I’ve been married (twice) since my twenties, so I’ve had zero recent experience dating. That has been an advantage in friendships with women, since a whole set of expectations aren’t there. So I really have nothing pertinent to write about your experience except that I felt vicarious embarrassment. I’ve literally taught old dogs new tricks, so maybe there’s hope for him, but your escape was textbook.
Thanks Curtis for your response and thanks for reading. I had to look up what a polymath was and then thought oh can you be a polymath if you don’t know the word polymath? But now I know it.
OK, next up as promised, my dive into perceived (mine only) differences between male and female sexuality. I would very much like feedback on this one to see if there is some validity or I'm just off the wall.
1. I think males sexual necessity or purpose is to spread their seed. (Elon Musk be the Poster Boy - ugh). For me since puberty I have always had a strong sexual urge, that seems to periodically need release, whether with a partner (preferred) of by myself. (A girl friend of mine once said "All men are dogs," which I found a little crass, but also cracked me up. The cultural repercussion is that we aren't naturally monogamous. I think that is where the church and other institutions come in to train us to be monogamous for the sake of societal stability, the family etc., but that model is obviously changing. I think younger men are more in tune with women as friends. That is what I liked about my DC experience. I had several women friends with whom I was quite close, but not sexually intimate. I appreciated each one of their different life experiences and perspectives. I learned a lot about women that I didn't have the opportunity to at home or in high school.
2. Women, on the other hand are seemingly by nature more nurturing and enjoy intimacy, cuddling etc even without sex. Again, some of this is cultural, but women are the ones who actually carrying the babes, giving birth, and tending after them. In many cultures the whole village helps raise the kids, which makes more sense to me than just nuclear parents, who have to work to bring in money and food etc. But one of the things I've noticed in my conversations with women over time is that they often find men "exciting, interesting, fun," in the beginning and then they become dull and don't want to be very affectionate. I think there is truth in that because often a man's priority is sex and we tend to get lazy after we've had it, wher as a woman's is friendship and intimacy. The affection and talking are things that most men need to work on, and eventually they either get it or they don't. I remember my summer in Holland watching girls and women walk down the street hand in hand or arm in arm and laughing and conversing. I thought that was very cool. I could feel their intimacy, and wondered by they don't do that in the US.
Conclusion (or beginning): The different sexual styles of men and women tend to make for potential problems right off the bat. Men want sex and women want intimacy - big generalization and of course there are variations on those two themes. I think men have to get to know women as people rather sexual fantasies. I was in a group once where the therapist said it was really better to get to know a person as friend before you have sex and I definitely agree with that, but it can be difficult, especially for sexually charged young men. I think as men mellow a bit with age it can be easier for them to be friends, assuming they like women. I find the turmoil between many men and women right now sad, because underneath it all we are all humans who want to belong and be loved and if that weren't the case probably one sex would do just fine. And I do agree, it seems that many women are better at introspection and working on themselves than are men, but again, it's not fair to generalize.
Hi Bob, I think your observations are likely on pointe for the timeframe you grew up in and in which you dated. But I do think many of those observations and conclusions stem from society mandated norms for men and women.
Male sexual desire has been mostly unchecked forever and encouraged. What I mean by that is that men are expected to have a high sex drive, expected to act on it, and rewarded with social status for garnering a high body count as proof of their value. The exact opposite is true of women. A woman who freely acts on her sexual desire is still considered a whore and her body count is something men find repulsive.
My argument here is that I think you’d be surprised by the actual sex drive women have from adolescence on which they often don’t act on lest society historically has punished them for. Yet, there’s a whole generation or two of women who do not care and engage in frequents hookups for their own pleasure.
What I think is also important to consider is that the whole lens through which sex is approached is through that of a man and a man’s pleasure. Women in lesbian relationships are statistically far more satisfied than straight women. And sexual expectation in general centers on male pleasure and male ego. Just watch any porn.
I also don’t actually believe that women are naturally more nurturing. Again, we do what society tells us to and are often fulfilling a role which was prescribed to us at birth. Flip the roles at birth and I think you’d see similar levels of compliance and defiance among men with caregiving.
Boys are expected to be rough and rowdy and unruly. But is that their natural state or is it just that they aren’t expected to manage themselves and everyone around them with care? I just read a whole article on how girls and women spend our lives expected to make the world comfortable for boys and men. From girls smiling, to being expected to care for siblings, being gentle, being pretty. To the grown up version where we’re expected to meet the needs by planning and managing the whole family and household and every holiday and event (we don’t actually want to do this). Why are we good at it? Because it’s expected and we’ve been practicing our whole lives.
We meet the needs of men by not stating our own needs, by making sure men are fed and comfortable, and cared for and their egos are in tact while our own needs go completely unmet. Just look at how compliant I was on the date. Excepting this man’s advances, allowing him to show up unprepared and barely contributing while I continuously pivoted to accommodate his failures. I was taught to behave that way and he was taught to expect it.
The turmoil right now between men and women isn’t turmoil. It’s women saying we will pursue our sexual, emotional, physical, and financial needs as we see fit because men aren’t our equals. They haven’t worked as hard on themselves as we have. They aren’t nearly as capable as we are to live a fulfilling life with or without coupling up. And the data shows that when women marry and have children we are less happy while men are more happy.
Women are rejecting these expectations. Many women are allow men into our lives in fractional measures but we won’t allow them to become our burdens. That’s why men are lonely while women are thriving solo.
I was before I knew the word, so yeah. My LinkedIn profile says “Jack of all trades, master of some.”
You're a terrific storyteller, Amy. Thank you.
Thank you and thanks for reading Roger.
Well, just when I was wondering if you had given up on writing, it turns out you were suffering through a disappointing (to say the least) third date with a moron who was obviously more taken by your bikini picture than everything else about you. As a Septuagenarian like Bob, I’d like to think I could measure up to your interests, but that would be somewhat delusional. By the time I reached the well ripened avocado stage you described, I had earned a Black Belt in Karate, ran more 10k races than I can remember, and ended a 27 year failed marriage, while not abandoning those financial responsibilities.
Shortly thereafter, I was fortunate to meet a terrific woman and proposed to her, after dating for two years, on the eve of her double mastectomy. She was in remission for almost 7 years, during which time, she taught me how to play golf! Caring for her in her later years taught me everything I had forgotten about how to really pay attention to someone in your life. So, Amy I wish you well in your search for a soulmate. And, if you can’t find a 40-something who can keep up with you, try a widower! We know a thing or two about relationships.
Hi Dennis. I definitely didn’t give up on writing. In fact I’m working on a an essays my agent is trying to get in a large publication. Fingers crossed. So between late nights revising that, a full time job, and my 16 year old kid, as well as a full social life and maintaining my house, I’m just busy. But always working away and developing new pieces.
And I’m sure you and Bob back in your ripe avocado stage would have been fabulous dates. There is a tiny slice of men that carry on being amazing right up to the end. Harrison ford was perfection at 40 but I wouldn’t kick him out of bed for eating crackers even at 80. Tom Selleck, same.
And it sounds like your wife was a wonderful woman who gifted you with awareness.
Thanks for sharing more about your life. I love getting to know my readers.
Thank you, Amy. I didn’t really think you bailed on writing…..you’re just too good at it. And this last piece was terrific! Had to chuckle about your Harrison Ford and Tom Selleck comments. Linda used to warn me, even after her diagnosis….if I wasn’t careful, she’d leave me for either one of them, and of course, the golfer, Freddie Couples. Always kept me on my toes! 😂😂
Ha ha. And I don’t know who Freddie couples is but I’ll sure check him out.